Weight - the loaded topic
I am no different than probably 80% of the population out there. I've struggled with weight since I was around 12. Something about Canadian milk made me gain weight. I remember thinking size 8 was huge! And then somehow in college, I deluded myself into thinking I was a size 13/14 and remained that way for about 10 years before I realized I was never that size ever. I was wearing baggy clothes for a good half of my life!
I am probably your average/slightly borderline overweight girl from high school to college. I tried various gym memberships, diets, resolutions...nothing really worked. Eventually I settled into saying that as long as I didn't gain weight, I was ok.
Then I moved to Edmonton. And I ballooned 20 lbs.
Did you know when it's winter 10 months out of the year, you tend to be much less active than say...if it wasn't winter 10 months out of the year?
I had gym memberships, personal trainers up the storm, shakes, cleanse, diets...eventually, I was right back to being heavy. No, I was feeling heavy. And no amount of smiles could hide it.
That was when I felt like this:
I wish was as skinny as I was before moving to Edmonton.
And I got my wish. I got my wish when I got pregnant with our first - Mackenzie. I managed to lose 9 lbs in the first 6 months and only gaining 12 lbs during the whole pregnancy. I was back in my pre-preggo jeans within 2 weeks, and I was 15 lbs lighter than I was a month after giving birth.
I have never felt so good about myself! I swore that for my daughter's sake that my days of worrying about how much I weighed were over. I had learned to accept my body and love it. That is what I would want for Mackenzie.
Then as the months went by, I gained 5 lbs. And suddenly I was feeling "fat" again. No matter what, I couldn't shake that feeling. Then I got pregnant with Bryanna. My body did its thing again. I gave birth, and I was back to my pre-preggo weight within a couple of weeks.
Yet somehow, weight always came back to haunt me. I was finally as thin as when I thought I was fat. Yet, I wasn't happy.
So when is it enough? When will I ever be "not fat"?
Just the other day, I looked at a picture of myself at a Christmas party. I turned to Bryan and said, "umm...do I really look that skinny? Or is it just the angle?" Bryan told me he never thought I was fat.
So I've decided that as of today, it is enough. If I can't appreciate my body now, I never will, even if I somehow get down to a size 2, I will most likely still look in the mirror and long for more. No more wishing. I suppose if I have to start anywhere, it will be here. Loving myself will begin like this. I will finally start listening to what my body actually wants, instead of what the mirror wants. I suspect that my body is probably wanting a lot more yoga and meditation, rather than diets and more diets.
It won't be overnight, but at least I'll always have this post to come back to when I feel "fat" again.
If you'll excuse me, time to bring out my yoga mat and do some gosh darn sun salutations!
I am probably your average/slightly borderline overweight girl from high school to college. I tried various gym memberships, diets, resolutions...nothing really worked. Eventually I settled into saying that as long as I didn't gain weight, I was ok.
Then I moved to Edmonton. And I ballooned 20 lbs.
Did you know when it's winter 10 months out of the year, you tend to be much less active than say...if it wasn't winter 10 months out of the year?
I had gym memberships, personal trainers up the storm, shakes, cleanse, diets...eventually, I was right back to being heavy. No, I was feeling heavy. And no amount of smiles could hide it.
That was when I felt like this:
I wish was as skinny as I was before moving to Edmonton.
And I got my wish. I got my wish when I got pregnant with our first - Mackenzie. I managed to lose 9 lbs in the first 6 months and only gaining 12 lbs during the whole pregnancy. I was back in my pre-preggo jeans within 2 weeks, and I was 15 lbs lighter than I was a month after giving birth.
I have never felt so good about myself! I swore that for my daughter's sake that my days of worrying about how much I weighed were over. I had learned to accept my body and love it. That is what I would want for Mackenzie.
Then as the months went by, I gained 5 lbs. And suddenly I was feeling "fat" again. No matter what, I couldn't shake that feeling. Then I got pregnant with Bryanna. My body did its thing again. I gave birth, and I was back to my pre-preggo weight within a couple of weeks.
Yet somehow, weight always came back to haunt me. I was finally as thin as when I thought I was fat. Yet, I wasn't happy.
So when is it enough? When will I ever be "not fat"?
Just the other day, I looked at a picture of myself at a Christmas party. I turned to Bryan and said, "umm...do I really look that skinny? Or is it just the angle?" Bryan told me he never thought I was fat.
So I've decided that as of today, it is enough. If I can't appreciate my body now, I never will, even if I somehow get down to a size 2, I will most likely still look in the mirror and long for more. No more wishing. I suppose if I have to start anywhere, it will be here. Loving myself will begin like this. I will finally start listening to what my body actually wants, instead of what the mirror wants. I suspect that my body is probably wanting a lot more yoga and meditation, rather than diets and more diets.
It won't be overnight, but at least I'll always have this post to come back to when I feel "fat" again.
If you'll excuse me, time to bring out my yoga mat and do some gosh darn sun salutations!
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